Can one of you enlightened people please tell me how – or if – you know when you are truly being mindful and when you are instead using your mindfulness to escape the (sometimes very) harsh reality of life?
I was at a funeral this week. My mother’s precious cousin, gone too soon after a battle with dementia. An unfair, horrible battle that she was never going to win and that caused her and all who knew her a huge amount of pain and suffering. A merciful release, some would say, but nonetheless the emotions of those left behind – the emptiness, the things that were unsaid, the gaping hole that only she can fill, the confusion, the unanswered questions, the existential issues that inevitably arise in times like this – were so raw that I was actually aware of the thought process involved in my mind choosing to check out: ‘Come back to your breath, Nic. Watch your body breathing (whilst witnessing the outpouring of grief and loss of the family)… breathe in… (the beautiful stories of a treasured shared childhood told with a voice broken with grief by the younger sister – and me with my older sister sitting safely beside me: what would I even begin to do without her?)…. breathe out….. (my mum sitting on my other side with her head cocked to one side, listening to the tributes with tears quietly but steadily streaming down her face – I wonder if she’s thinking of her own older sister who died far too young)…feel the solidity of the church bench that I’m sitting upon… (my cousin’s beautiful and strong words despite the fact that he is here to bury his own mother – how on earth does that feel? Does one ever really get over that? It’s the natural order and the way it’s supposed to be, and yet…)…observe the sunlight streaming in through the church window, catching motes of dust and making them twinkle like tiny floating diamonds… (now that one of the two remaining siblings – a big, strapping man in his sixties, strong as an ox and usually with a great big smile on his face – is back at his place after his tribute, his grief replaces the composure from a minute ago and his strong body is racked by sobs as he sits in the bench in front of me and I could reach out and touch him and I wish I could hold his pain and help him to make sense it in a meaningful way but instead I…)…focus on my breath… become aware of the perfume of the person sitting next to me…(interesting how there are so many different faiths, so many different ways of making sense of death and loss – we are all looking for a way of understanding and finding peace and even though we are all so different, how death and loss create a common ground that we can all come together on)…come back to my breath…. feel my belly rising and falling as I sit here, in this moment…(have I said all I want to say to those I love? Am I living a life that is true and good and honest to both myself and those I interact with?)…and this moment, and this… (it is so painful to see people suffering so much and not being able to do anything to ease that pain – it’s necessary, it’s got to happen, it’s part of the process)…and not wanting anything to be different….. being aware of the mind-body connection, in the present moment, with acceptance…..
Do you see what I’m saying?
Is it a cop-out to allow oneself a conscious ‘out of body’ experience like this? And if this is the whole point, does one then consciously set aside time to ponder these questions? Or does one allow the two processes to co-exist, checking in and out of one and then the other as necessary?
It works when I’m dealing with my fiery three year old – when she’s kicking and screaming, it’s extremely helpful for all concerned if I can discipline myself to create a bit of distance from the situation: ‘Interesting how she is now going scarlet in the face and attempting to throw her porridge over the floor…. It’s just how it is and it won’t always be this way…’. It’s so wonderful to be able to stay present and not go down the route of ‘oh my GOD I am creating a little beast who is going to have a miserable life because she can’t control her temper and because I can’t seem to figure out what she needs from me as a mother and why can’t I get this right and why the HELL doesn’t my husband try to do what I say, even though I’ve been barking out commands all morning – and why am I so bloody bossy when things get stressful and is this really what motherhood and marriage is all about and is it just us or does everyone have this sort of chaos in the mornings and oh SHIT now Danny’s late for playball and he’s going to be stressed and I haven’t even brushed my teeth and will this bloody dog just get out of my WAY…’ but rather ‘even though all hell is breaking loose here in the dining room right now, it’s all right; we are all well, the sun is shining outside, it’s noisy and it’s okay, this moment shall pass and we will be fine and right now, even this is just as it should be and there is no need or benefit in finding this whole situation lacking’. As my darling granny would say, ‘It is what it is’. The end. Not good, not bad, it just is what it is.
OBVIOUSLY in situations like that, mindfulness is an absolute boon, a gift, a gem that I hold and treasure and value for how it shines and gets me through challenging situations and allows me to find that precious moment between stimulus and response. But still the question lingers…
What do you think? Do you use mindfulness to escape reality?